A Primer on Stress and the Solution
Basically anything
we react to becomes a stressor and causes stress. Dr. Hans Selye, the father of
stress research, said there are two types of stress: so called “eu-stress,” or
pleasant stress, and “dis-stress” or unpleasant stress.
We are all familiar
with unpleasant stress and the toll it can take on our body. If you eat
something tainted, it stresses your body to react. Cold, wind, rain, or
excessive heat stress the body and elicit a response.
Spraining your
ankle or falling off your bike is a stress that elicits response. Being mugged,
robbed, or mauled by a dog cause us to react and undergo stress.
We also know that
divorce, losing a job, or being betrayed by another are unpleasant
stresses.
These negative or
unpleasant stresses cause a variety of bodily responses and changes, both
localized (like swelling at the site of injury) and nonspecific (affecting the
whole body). These changes take energy and ultimately take their toll on the
body. Stress is cumulative, in that it gradually uses up our life force.
Yes, some stresses
are part of life (like a rain shower, a hot day, or a brisk windy day). They
can’t really be totally avoided (except the excessive ones). They are
invigorating and without them we would stagnate. Just bear in mind that in our
egotistical worried ambitious state, we generate unnecessary stresses upon
ourselves. We also live unreasonable and chaotic lives, falling into traumas
and accidents brought about by our lack of awareness.
But Dr. Selye
discovered that so-called eu-stresses such as going to a party, attending an
exciting ball game, or starting new job are stressful too.
These stresses may
be pleasant, but they also take their toll on the body just as much as obvious
unpleasant stresses do.
Dr. Selye is not
saying that we should avoid new or fun situations. They are part of life and
have their place.
But what he is
saying is that we should be aware that any stress ultimately wears us down. Too
much stress, either dis-tress (like a divorce or being fired) or eu-stress
(moving to a new house) will wear you down.
More stress wears
you down quicker than less stress. And stress is cumulative.
Stress takes its
toll. It may be invigorating, but it also drains us of life force. And our
over-reactions (to whatever is, by definition, the stressor) lead to all manner
of symptoms.
Bottom line: we
must find a way to take things in stride, both good and bad.
In other words,
over-reactions are not good. Look at all
the over-reactions which are at the physical level: asthma, allergies and auto
immune disease—where the body’s extreme responses are more harmful than what
the stressor is doing. In other words, pollen cannot really hurt you, but an
over-reaction can. Anaphylactic shock is a big over-reaction that can even kill
a person.
But how about all
of our emotional over-reactions: anger, rage, irritation, hostility, hyper
excitement on the one hand and hurt feelings, disappointment and frustration on
the other? These emotions are reactions that are stressing us (and ultimately
killing us if we don’t learn to be less emotional).
Many people love to
over-react and yell and scream at ball games, for example. Or they love to moan
and groan and play the “poor me, what have I ever done to deserve this” game.
They are actually adding stress to their lives through these unrestrained
feelings.
People argue and
quarrel all the time because they react angrily. Others react angrily and
suppress it, but their reaction is still stressing their body.
Many people get
irritated at others, and they secretly enjoy having something to complain
about. They feel they have a right to judge others and complain. But their
daily bouts of irritation take a toll on the body.
Some people party,
study too much and stay up late, depriving themselves of sleep. They are
unnecessarily subjecting their body to stress. No wonder they feel drained the
morning after the night before. No wonder people come back from a vacation more
drained than before they left. We may get away with it for awhile, but sooner
or later we pay the price for long term stress.
Just as partying
and then cramming for a test are unnecessary stresses which we inflict on
ourselves, so are our angers, secret hostilities, and impatient frustrations.
Another example:
take work for instance. Of course we have to work. But we should be able to
work without becoming angry and upset at our work.
Life will throw
things our way. But we should be able to go through life without reacting to
everything.
What I am saying is
that some stress is unavoidable.
But too much stress
is not good for us. And most of us heap an extra layer of stress on ourselves
through our emotional reactions.
Many of us are
experiencing huge amounts of stress unnecessarily because we are indulging
emotions all the time, especially anger, hostility and resentment.
Work is one thing;
working angrily is another. Encountering a traffic jam is one thing; becoming
upset at it is another.
Here is the key to
eliminating undue stress from your life. Let go of resentment.
Go back and take a
look at the examples I gave of situations that we react to with negative
emotions.
You will notice
that underneath the anger, rage, irritation, hostility, frustration, and
dejection can be found resentment. In other words, resentment is the common
denominator for many of our negative emotions.
Another thing: when
we get upset, angry and frustrated, we also experience negative, hostile, and
destructive thinking. Resentment is what initiates and sustains the negative
thoughts.
There is a vicious
cycle involved. The negative thoughts then spin more negative emotions, and so
on.
Resentment is the
“little” reaction that begins the cascade of negative thinking and unnecessary
stress reactions that lead to misery and suffering. You must learn to watch for
it, and let it go.
I am seeking to
make you aware of the role of resentment in exacerbating your emotional issues,
and why you must let it go.
Here is another
important point. Temptation drains us. When we respond to temptation, we lose
energy to it (and often money too). Temptation is a demand for energy.
Remember, people who tempt have no independent life source of their own. They
have fallen to and have become dependent upon draining the life from others.
Now you know why
you feel drained around certain people or tempting situations (like parties or
even the typical office setting). Now you know why you feel more tired and
drained when you come back from a vacation. The people at the resorts are there
to drain you of excess tension energy and of your money.
We are surrounded
by temptation and when we respond, we give up our life to it. You may be living
with someone who is draining you. Women are particularly good at this. She
almost cannot help but play the temptation game, and when she lies down with
their man, he gives up energy to her. She becomes dependent on his life, and
when it cannot be seduced from him, she nags and irritates. His response of
resentment to her unnecessary irritations siphons off his life force. He dies
before his time and she lives on to perhaps find another man to drain.
That is why you
must meditate for mental distance and so you can seal yourself off from
temptation and its demands. You must learn how not to react with resentment and
upset. You must learn how to deal with naughty people around you.
Many people tempt
unconsciously. Some tempt for energy. If you don't watch out, they will drain
you and live off of you. You can even give up your life to a sick mother for
example, who irritates you and then when you feel guilty for resenting her, you
give your all—even your life to her. You are actually feeding her sickness and
enabling what is wrong with her. Her sickness grows and she gets worse.
Meanwhile you deteriorate also. It would be better to meditate for distance,
and then stand back and no longer respond to her clamoring for your life and
substance. It would actually be doing her a favor, as she would have to look at
herself and take responsibility for her own illness and faulty life, instead of
using you to sustain her denial and her sickness. By coming to her aid, you are
actually harming her.
Understand also
that many people around you are not evil. They are just naughty. When you
respond with excitement or with anger and resentment to their errors, they can
then judge you. They thus do not have to look at themselves. Better to remain
neutral and distant. Instead of responding to the temptation in them, hold up
the light. If someone tells an off color joke, then instead of laughing or
going along sheepishly, do not respond at all. Let them have egg on their face.
It just might wake them up to see their error. If they welcome the correction,
they will be grateful.
People often act
out and tempt us because they are actually tempting for correction. They would
like someone with love to stop them. But what they usually get is use or anger.
Kids often act out. They are looking for love. Women usually catch their man
with the temptation game. He responds with lust and excitement to her
naughtiness and wiles. She is hoping that he will become the night in shining
armor, but as the years go by he becomes dependent on he for the support of his
ego. He gets the illusion (that he is a real man), whereas she get the judgment
food (judging him for using her). She also gets the spoils of nagging the life
out of his carcass.
Some women are
permanent man haters. But most women really want to be corrected from the role
they have been required to play. They want a real man, who has love, wisdom,
understanding, patience and longsuffering to be there for her without falling
for her temptation. Men, your wives and your children need you to become more
fatherly—correcting with firmness and patience their ego excesses.
Over-Reacting is a Way of Life for Most People
Having dealt with
the purely natural stress reactions, let us direct our attention to the other
aspect of the stress reaction, namely our ego attitude and emotions. These
emotions have to do with our ego and its pride, faithlessness, lovelessness,
and stubbornness. Let’s talk about the interconnection of our attitude,
emotions and stress.
People actually
complicate, increase, and sustain stress reactions because of emotional
overlay.
There is story that
illustrates the above concept. A man was driving on a country road and got a
flat tire.
He did not have a
jack (which he needed to put on the spare tire), so he began to walk to find
the nearest farmhouse so he could borrow a jack there.
As he was walking,
he thought: “I hope there is a farm house around here.” He walked some more and
then thought: “What if there is a house but no one is home?” He walked a few more minutes and thought: “if
someone is home, what if they don’t have a jack.” He kept walking and then thought: “What if
they have a jack but won’t lend it to me?” The man kept walking and getting
more and more upset. Finally, he saw a house. He walked up to the front door
and knocked.
When the owner came
to the door, the man said: “you can take your lousy jack and go to hell!”
This story
illustrates how we work ourselves into an emotional state through negative
thinking. But what throws us into the
negative thinking? It is resentment that wipes out patience and faith.
There is no reason
why a slow grocery store line has to irritate you, let alone make you angry.
Yet many people do get irritated or angry at someone in line who is slow.
Why? Because our
impatience feeds judgment. We can get a little high by judging the one who is
delaying us. We can feel the resentment, which leads to more impatience, more
judgment and hostility. The suppressed hostility leads to dis-ease and perhaps
a headache or tummy ache. We can revel in blaming the person for our
discomfort, and resent the person even more. Then we can use the discomfort and
tension as an excuse to down some pills, smoke marijuana, or go to the bar!
When we become
irritated or angry, we cause the purely biological type of stress, outlined
earlier in this chapter, to begin to run its course. We literally make the
person who is driving slowly or holding up the line into a threat and into a
sort of ego enemy, to which our body must react.
The body does its
job of responding with hormones and various changes, as if it were facing some
sort of real threat. By being irritated, you are literally forcing your body to
react, and in the long run—after years of daily bouts of irritation—the damage
to the body breaks out in serious illness. We tire and damage ourselves through
our indulging our emotions. In other words, we are literally killing ourselves
a little at a time.
Sooner or later
many people are told that stress is killing them. How much better it would be
if they had seen the light many years earlier.
Is it really worth the wear and tear on your
body, and the decreasing control (with or without painful suppression) just to
get a little high from judging and resenting someone who makes a little
mistake?
Some people will
say “I don’t get angry or impatient at a slow line.” Maybe not, but how about
traffic, your boss, your kids, your husband, your neighbor, bills, your mother,
or yourself?
The body is able to
repair itself, if you could learn to be less emotional about things, so that
the body has time to recover from past over-reactions and fewer new stresses to
deal with. Remember--it is resentment that separates you from faith and
patience; and without patience and faith, the body is compelled to comply with
the resentment and compensate with fight or flight stress reactions.
“Change your
attitude, change your destiny” is literally true, especially when it comes to
emotions, because of the stress reactions that emotions contribute to.
We can't help
having natural biological reactions. We can’t stop ourselves from being
startled if someone says “boo” behind us. But you do have control over whether
you become resentful when they startle you. If you find yourself becoming angry
or irritated at them (or at yourself), I guarantee there is resentment behind
it.
As I will discuss
later in this chapter, we can learn to have an attitude which is less emotional
and resentful-- so that our body is not compelled to react to stresses that we
create for ourselves. We can learn not to add emotional reaction to the purely
physical ones.
We are all aware
that becoming angry at slow lines, irritated at a traffic jam, angry at our
husband, impatient with our children, or irritated and frustrated over money
issues are harmful to our bodies. We are all aware of headaches and tummy aches
from being upset.
But many of us are
not aware that these and similar symptoms are just the tip of the iceberg.
Underneath the obvious surface symptoms are thousands or millions of subtle
changes down to the cellular level.
So consider
carefully whether indulging anger and resentment at someone's mistake is worth
a trip to the hospital or an early grave.
The
Intimidation-Stress Connection
Here is something
else that you probably aren’t aware of: the role of intimidation and
frustration in debilitating stress. Becoming aware of and understanding this
connection may literally save your life. Here’s the story.
When you think of
negative emotions, what comes to mind? Probably such emotions as anger, rage,
hostility, unhappiness, anxiety, sadness, bitterness, resentment, depression,
fear, misery, feelings of hopelessness, despondency, or dread.
Now notice that
there are aspects of intimidation in each of these.
If you are
suffering from chronic bouts of negative emotions, something in the
environment, past or present, is intimidating you; and your emotion is a
reaction due to the sustained intimidation.
In other words,
instead of the world being subject to us, we become its subject when we react
emotionally. Some circumstance, memory, a notion, or a person is dominating us:
we are their subject.
If a memory keeps
bothering you, it is continuing to intimidate you. Something about it continues
to upset you; something about it you can’t accept or let go of. In other words,
unfinished business is intimidating you. Soon the inability to get closure or
cope leads to frustration, despondency, despair and so on.
The main component
in the lack of closure is resentment, which keeps the memory alive.
It is resentment,
doubt, and lack of commitment to what is right that lead to intimidation.
Resentment is even more treacherous because it leads to ruminating, and
additional emotions (such as depressions) which sustain the intimidation and
lead to chronicity.
Resentment is the
mechanism by which we are intimidated.
It matters not
whether it is a bill, a delay, a challenge, a tease, a setback, what someone
said, a mistake you made, a memory, a mental notion, a suggestion or even a
mental image—resenting it sustains the intimidation.
What happened 40
years ago can still bother you (intimidate you) because you are still resenting
it in real time.
There are just too
many possible situations to list them all, but I’ll just give three or four
examples. You will have to see the principle—how resentment reinforces and
sustains intimidation—and then see how the principle applies to what is
bothering you.
Here’s one example.
A young lady resented her dad because he was never there to go to the
father-daughter dance or other activities with her. She felt that he did not
love her. She resented him. But she felt guilty and tried to deny her
resentment--especially when he always had a plausible excuse, such as
"having to work late, being tired," and so on. She could not accept
that he didn’t love her, but she felt that way anyway. She resented him, but
tried to cover it up.
Later in life, she
wanted to tell him how he had hurt her. But her resentment prevented her from
being able to speak up. So she was intimidated by an idea she did not want to
admit, a feeling she did not want to admit, and the resentment that prevented
her from clearing the air.
Fortunately, when
she got older, she became aware of the truth: he did not love her. He was like
so many other dads: half way decent, but something was missing. He was prideful
and compensated, and just did not have the kind of agape love she needed.
He was a good
provider and did have some good qualities, but he wasn’t there for her. He
failed her because he did not have love. She hated him for failing her.
Although this was
painful to admit--now she could accept this fact. She forgave him by letting go
of the resentment, making what happened long ago unimportant. It was easy to
forgive him when she understood that he, too, was a victim. His dad had not
been there for him. He was not being deliberately cruel.
She saw that he
could not give what he did not have.
Next she was able
to admit that she did resent him. Not wanting to admit her resentment had
intimidated her. She wanted to be the good and perfect daughter and could not
admit to having hated her dad.
She saw that this
resentment was understandable, but also wrong. She admitted it, then let go of
it. Finally, having forgiven him, she was able to confront him. She told him,
in a calm and not angry way, what he had done to her. She told him that she had
resented him for it, but no longer did so. But importantly, she also told him
that she wanted him to admit what he did, admit he was wrong and be sorry.
Of course, he became
angry, denied it, and accused her of being ungrateful. This was her next test.
Were she to resent him for this (and for things not turning out as she had
wanted), it would usher in more resentment and intimidation. Fortunately, she
had spoken her piece, cleared the air, and had given him his chance to be
sorry. "When you are ready to admit you were wrong and apologize and mean
it, you know my number," she said. She walked away with her head held high
and went on to lead a happy life.
By confronting him,
she spoke up for herself, telling the truth. This is important and it begins
the deconditioning process. Now she become subject to the truth, and is no
longer subject mind, body or soul to the tyrant. Confrontation must only be
done, however, after you are sure that you have dropped your resentments
against the one who hurt you.
In the above case,
now that she had dropped her resentment, she was able to confront the bully
with calm detachment. Now her motive is to clear the air and to give him a
chance to be sorry. The real daughter is confronting the parent with love—not
an emotional false love out of guilty, but a true love based on wanting what is
right to prevail and giving the offender a chance to repent.
When the offender
is confronted with the truth, by a another person full of love and not full of
hate, this person has a chance to see the face of love and be sorry in his or
her heart. If the person is sorry, it is good for him or her. And it begins a
process of the soul's relationship with its Creator righted.
If, on the other
hand, which is what usually happens, the tyrant is unrepentant and refuses to
admit he is wrong and be sorry, his life will go from bad to worse (unless he
has a change of heart). But it is none of your concern which way the confronted
person goes. You spoke the truth with love, and gave them their chance, and now
it is between that person, conscience, and God. They now have a clear choice,
perhaps for the first time in their life--admit their wrong and get better, or
harden their heart and go from bad to worse.
Whatever you do,
don't feel sorry for the person if he or she suddenly starts to cry and act
pitiful (without being truly sorry). Should you rush to the rescue of his ego,
you are interfering with the work of conscience and supporting what is wrong
with him. Remain neutral and do not fall for the ruse. You cannot save a
person. Only God can. It is typical for unrepentant ones to put on a show of
misery, seeking to pull you back into your old role and getting them off the
hook. Stand back and remain aloof. You are not really being mean. You are doing
them a favor. You are giving them a chance to be sorry and be free.
Understand this
also. The person you are confronting may be possessed. Part of him or her may
want to be sorry, but something in him won't let him. He is not free. In fact,
the spirit of error that entered him or her long ago, perhaps coming from
having hated someone who was cruel to him, is now in charge of him, driving him
to do wrong.
By not resenting the
person, and speaking the truth with love, you holding up the light, are giving
the real person a chance to side with
what is right, being give a real alternative and choice, perhaps for the first
time in his life.
Do you now see the
importance of not hating the person? It is the evil in him or her that is
driving him to commit wrong. Now you understand the meaning of the phrase
"hate the sin, but not the sinner."
Here’s another
example. A man has some unpleasant work to do, but resents it. He fears doing a
mediocre job and exposing his inadequacies. So he procrastinates.
But every time he
thinks about it, he resents it. Soon the work haunts and dominates his every
moment. He wakes up during the night and starts to get a stomach ache thinking
of the work.
One day, he
realizes that it is foolish to resent the work. He has a change of attitude
about his work. Now he does the best he can but accepts the fact that he could
have done better. He accepts reality, does his duty, talks his lumps, and
finishes the job with a modicum of dignity. As a result, the work stops
stressing him.
To get you thinking
along these lines, here are a couple more examples.
The angry guy in
the grocery store line is dominated by the situation. It upsets him and makes
him upset. He reacts, and because there is nothing he can really do about it
(other than run or make a fool of himself), he suppresses the emotion, holding
it inside and does a slow boil.
So he stands there
and becomes increasingly irritated and frustrated by a situation that makes him
angry but he can’t do anything about.
His body is churning in conflict: part wants to run from the threatening
situation, part wants to fight. Part of the body is building up fight or
flight, while another part is repressing and suppressing the reaction which is
going overboard. At the end of the day, he is tense and begins to fear even
leaving the house because of his inability to cope with the small stuff without
becoming resentful, angry and upset.
To be free of this
stress and its symptoms, this man just needs an attitude adjustment. He must
learn to take little delays in stride.
A lady resents her
husband. Her resentment renders her subject to the environment. She finds it
increasingly difficult to be calm. She becomes increasingly sensitive to little
things that before would not have fazed her. Worse, she finds herself becoming
sensitive to little things her husband does (how he eats, how he puts his socks
on the chair, how he coughs). Soon everything he does irritates her.
She feels like she
is in a pressure cooker. Everything
bothers her and she is now dominated by external stresses. She is no longer in
charge of her world and in charge of her emotions. She is out of control.
In this lady’s
case, she became free of the oppression by letting go of judgment and
resentment toward her husband.
A boy was playing
baseball and struck out three times in one game. The last time he struck out, a
teammate commented: “you’re a loser. You always find a way to lose.” The boy
experienced a huge resentment toward the comment and the teammate. He formed a memory that continued to haunt
him for years. Every time he was in a situation where he had to perform (a
speech, making a putt, or going for a job interview) the old memory came back,
haunted him, and he resented it again.
He became subject
to that negative suggestion, and whenever things didn’t work out, it seemed to
confirm the prediction. He even drew negative outcomes onto himself through the
subconscious suggestion to fail (induced and sustained through resentment). It
became programming.
And even when he
could have succeeded, the nervousness and performance anxiety, struggling with
the suggestion, make him clumsy and ruined his timing. All because he resented
the comment.
The solution to
this dilemma came when he became aware of the resentment and saw the
ego-resentment connection. He was able to let go of the resentment against the
boy who made the comment and against the comment itself. He also had to see and
let go of resentment toward himself and yes, even resentment and accusatory
blame against God.
In new situations,
he became aware of the tormenting thought. He stood back and observed it
without resenting it anew. He bore the torment without adding more resentment,
and let it pass. In this way, he became
free to do things without it becoming a matter of struggling against the
curse.
The suggestion had
been able to torment him because of his resentment. When he let go of the
resentment, he could be more philosophical.
In other words, he
had to learn to bear the torment without adding resentment. He had to learn to
make the outcome unimportant even if it seemed to confirm that the suggestion
was true.
He had to see that
he had a big hateful prideful ego, and he had to realize that his preoccupation
was selfish. He has to be humbled, even humiliated, without resenting it. When
he can do this, he will be free of the subjugating torment.
The Solution to Intimidation and Stress
Either you are the
master of the moment and the master of life, or everything is your master.
Beware of resenting anything. When you are not resentful and when you don’t
want something too much, you are close to your center of dignity and your
powers.
In other words,
when you are not resentful, angry or ambitious, you are close to your Creator.
But when you are resentful, angry or ambitious, you become separated from your
inner ground, and thus stand alone, prideful, and inferior to what is
intimidating you.
And since no one
can stand alone, a malevolent spirit comes to your “assistance,” feeding your
mind with thoughts of glory or revenge. It supports you in your pride, and eggs
you on to conflict even with God. It masquerades as you, and you think that its
thoughts are yours.
This permissive
voice is in us all. It supports us in our ambitious thoughts and angers, and it
generally tells us what we want to hear. It gives us suggestions, which we
follow (thinking we originated the thoughts).
These suggestions
always turn out wrong, leading us into more error. It then consoles us and eggs
us on to more emotion based actions to get out of our mess. Again we don’t
realize these thoughts do not originate with us.
When it has had its
way with you and totally corrupted you with its guilt producing suggestions, it
feeds you negative self destructive thoughts (you know, the old “everyone would
be better off without me” sort of thing).
That is why you
must learn to be objective to “your” thoughts, so that you can stand back and
observe these thoughts without responding to them. The evil will see that the
game is up, and feeling observed, it will leave you alone.
Can you see that it
was resentment that made you subject to this sort of thing in the first place?
You had a big ego, and temptation found out your weaknesses. Now just let go of
resentment; and learn to meditate for objectivity. Let what is not you be
realized out of existence.
When you want to do
God’s will, when you are willing to forgo the pleasure of resenting or hating
someone; and when you are willing to let go of what you want in favor of what
is right, you are no longer subject to the world. You are subject to God. The
world gets to you through what you care about the most. When you no longer care
about the pride sustaining perks or material gain the world entices you with,
you will be free.
Beware of
challenge. The world will tease, goad, and challenge you to perform
ambitiously. If you don’t go along, it will accuse you of being lazy or bad. It
will call you stupid and tease you to rise to some challenge intellectually.
Misguided
authorities will even challenge you to be good. But if you are good to please
someone, avoid their criticism, or for perks, you are not really good. Right
action must flow from within, from seeing what is right and doing it out of the
goodness of our heart. Compulsory or ambition inspired goodness is not really
goodness.
Never take the
challenge. Never rise to a dare. When under pressure, stand back and silently
inquire of God.
Move in your own
time and space toward what you realize is right. If you don’t know what to do,
then wait until you do know. Flow from intuition not from external tease.
The Good Lord wants
you to prosper and have the good things of life; just remember “Put first the
Kingdom of God and His right way and all other things will be added unto you.”
The world is always pressuring and challenging you to do the opposite. And when
you go after a goal (which is not really your goal but one that was suggested
to you), you set yourself up for guilt and frustration.
If you don’t
attain the goal, you are frustrated, and then strive even harder, throwing good
money after the bad. And should you happen to be successful in this goal driven
willful way, you will feel guilty and will not be happy with what you get.
That is why you
must set no goals for yourself, other than doing what you know is right in the
moment.
Dr. Hans Selye, the
father of stress research, found that animals that were frustrated developed
ulcers. He also found that long term stress suppressed their immune system and
depleted their adrenals.
Beware of
resentment because resentment will cause something to stick in your craw and
intimidate you. When you are intimidated you are not only subject to that which
is intimidating you, but you are also subjecting yourself to long term
frustration, the result of being intimidated over and over by the situation,
the person, and the memory of the situation.
If you keep
reacting to a negative suggestion, it is because it is intimidating you in your
mind. Look alike situations come along, and the memory of the original fall
comes to mind. Resenting the memory anew, it becomes an intimidation.
Remember—resentment will make you subject, and when you are subject you are
intimidated.
Intimidation (by
way of resentment) is the little talked about component in frustration,
depression, worry, and feelings of inferiority.
Dr. Selye’s mouse
will escape from the frustrating circumstance. The mouse will quickly forget
the whole thing. When it encounters a look alike setting, it will flee and then
quickly get over it. But the human being, who resents some circumstance or
suggestion, will carry it around as a memory (just like the mouse does). But
the difference between the man and mouse is that the man resents the memory.
The new situation triggers the memory and a new round of resentment.
Each time something
triggers the memory, he resents it over and over again. And thus the memory is
reinforced and made stronger through its being renewed over and over.
Even lying in bed
at night, he may awaken to resentment, anxiety, worry and quiet rage. The
resentment means that the memory is intimidating the person. And so the memory
becomes a source of frustration. Thinking about it over and over with no way of
dealing with it (other than resenting, repressing, or running) leads to
frustration, mental anguish and physical stress.
I will say it
again: resentment is the emotion that underlies frustration and the kind of
long term stress that saps our strength and demoralizes us.
In some of my other
writings, I emphasize the importance of speaking up, rather than resignation
and suppression. It is also important to meditate for mental distance, and then
to go through life with a care-free spontaneous attitude. If you meet each
moment properly, there is nothing to resent or stick in your craw.
When you become
frustrated, it is a sure sign of having risen to a challenge, and it is a
warning that you are in danger of making the situation into a long term issue
and source of frustration.
Nothing should
frustrate us. It is only when we make something too important or when we
respond angrily or resentfully to criticism that we set ourselves up for
frustration.
When people are
bitter, morose, absorbed in worry or dwelling on the past—more often than not
they are intimidated and continue to be intimidated in their mind through
resentment of some long ago event.
When the memory
arises, and they resent it anew, it now contaminates the present.
Nothing should
irritate us in the slightest. Irritation is a sign of anger, hostility,
resentment, and impatience. It means that our ego is involved. We wish our will
to be imposed, and when our will is not done, we become angry, resentful, and
then frustrated.
When you become
irritated because you are resentful, you make yourself subject to the
environment. No longer a noble soul with potential powers for good, you become
an animal, and a resentful one at that.
I am trying to make
you aware of how resentment leads to subjectivity and then intimidation,
through repeated reactions of resentment. And intimidation is akin to
frustration, and long tern frustration leads to suppression, physical symptoms
(such as the mouse’s ulcers) and exhaustion.
There are many
negative aspects of intimidation I could mention; but for now I just want you
to see how resentment leads to long term intimidation, frustration, and stress.
If you can learn to
not resent—to observe a painful circumstance, memory or haunting suggestion,
without resenting it--then it remains out there and it cannot harm you. If you
do not resent it, it cannot make you act or feel inferior. Learn to watch
tormenting, teasing thoughts without reacting and resenting. Stand back, get
some metal distance. Watch from the neutral zone until it goes away. It cannot
harm you.
When you are not
standing in the wrong place, you are standing in the right place. If you are
not resentful or preoccupied in worry or trying to wiggle out of something,
then you are close to intuition and the center from which the power to deal
with things comes.
If you do not
resent and do not fall for the ruse, you stand under the authority of God. By
not reacting and resenting, you are not subject to the suggestion. A deep
spiritual principle is involved.
You see, by not
reacting and resenting, you remain obedient to the Creator Who instructs us to
trust in Him and to not resent others. By remaining faithful and forgiving, you
are obedient to His instructions. When you react, you are disobedient. And the
error and evil operating in others knows this. It wants you to be disobedient
to the good by resenting and reacting. And when you take the challenge it
dangles in front of you, you are obeying its will.
Here are some helpful reminders
1. Meditate for objectivity. Seek a slight mental distance,
which proper meditation facilitates, so that you can stand back and observe
thoughts and situations without reacting to what you see.
2. Admit the truth. Acknowledge truth whenever you hear it
or see it, regardless of the source. Whether it be a friend, foe or even from a
little child (“out of the mouths of babes”).
Acknowledge truth immediately when you become aware of it. If you deny it or resent it, it becomes a
threat and a guilt producer instead of a friend.
Later, in order to
try to get rid of guilt, you might be forced to resentfully admit the truth or
do so to placate the truth—this robs it of its magic.
3. Watch for and let go of resentment. Don’t resent others,
don’t resent the memory, and don’t resent yourself. Don’t resent feeling
helpless. Just see your helplessness, but don’t resent it.
4. Never rise to a dare or challenge.
5. When you find yourself getting emotionally involved and
sucked into something--whether it be an argument, a movie, or a piece of
music—stand back. When you are made
aware that you were pulled into something, just stand back and get your
bearings.
6. Move at your own pace. Never allow others to rush or
pressure you into moving in an untimely way. If others are pressuring you, just
be aware of the pressure, but don’t respond.
7. Watch out for anger.
Realize that anger signifies an ego, a prideful person, who wants his or
her will to be done. Also observe how resentment leads to anger and suppressed
hostility. Resentment and hostility are weakness. See anger and resentment for
what they represent: the emotions of a wrong trying to be a right.
See that impatience
is a petty tyrant’s way of condemning another and getting them to react. See
resentment as the loser’s way of sneakily hating and blaming.
Watch negative
thoughts and see how they try to goad you into conflict with God. Observe them
and they will flee.
8. Don’t try to be good or try to be a good person. If you
do, you will be frustrated and resentful if you fail in some matter. Others
will see what you want and perhaps try to frustrate you. Worse yet, they might
rush in to praise and support you. And if you fall for this temptation, you
will be cut off from the inner Ground of Good, and you will grow dependent on
their support. Do not become upset over criticism and don’t take praise to
heart. Let it go in one ear and out the other.
Do what you can.
If you can do a kindness, do so. If you can’t, don’t worry about it.
Acknowledge good, but don’t try to be the good.
9. Understand that after a lifetime of being resentful and
over-reactive, your ego life is composed of millions and millions of reactions,
and during that time great stress has been put on your body. So don’t try to change overnight. Meditate
and live simply and quietly.
Be grateful for the
opportunity to calm down and begin to live with some equanimity. Give yourself
time, lots of time.
10. Don’t become angry and frustrated at yourself. It’s just
another round of resentment directed at yourself. It's also another way for the
ego to try to rise above the situation without really admitting its wrong.
Anger and
resentment of self still takes the same toll on your body as being angry at
someone else, and it keeps you separated from your center of dignity.
Don’t loathe or
become disgusted with yourself when you still see yourself reacting, getting
upset or messing up. Just stand back and observe what is still wrong with
yourself. If you resent yourself, it is your old ego way of trying to change
things. Just observe and bear patiently with what you cannot change.
If you are messing
up, then just see that you are. That’s all. Wait for grace. The power to change
resides in the objective state. In His own time and space, God will change you
without effort on your part. Wait. You will see.
11. Be ready to cut back on your commitments. If
you have been overworking, then cut back. If need be, tighten your belt and
live with less for a while. Take time to get to know yourself.
Learn to bear
torment without resenting it. Bear pain without resentment. In other words,
feel the hurt, without the hate. Learn
to face life’s little delays and issues without resentment.
12. Watch out for
irritation. This is often a sign that you have judged someone or resented
something. Watch for resentment and let it pass. Learn to observe another’s
wrong or error without condemning them for it. In other words, observe the
error without resenting the person. See the razor’s edge between discerning and
judging. Discern error without adding a pinch of resentment.
If you have no
resentment or judgment, then any remaining irritation or tension is probably a
hold over from the conditioning of prior resentful reactions. Just watch the
irritation or tension and let it pass.
Learn to bear
persecution without resenting it. If you are persecuted for righteousness sake,
and you do not resent it, you are being persecuted without a cause. This
permits you to demonstrate love. The persecution will actually permit you to
grow in character and grace, if you do not resent it.
